A letter to Luis Suarez

A letter to Luis Suarez

Dear Luis,

I am reliably informed that children of a certain age bite. I’m also told that in the era before parenting became a victim of political correctness, a mummy or daddy might bite back. Just to show the child that it hurts and that it is neither big nor clever to bite.

I don’t know how it is in Uruguay these days but, in England, a parent admitting to biting their child would likely be frowned upon. Worse. They might be invited on television to defend their actions.

I’ve no idea if your parents bit back when you sank your teeth into their arms. I bet you did. Or maybe, when you were 6, you simply lost your balance and fell into the flesh of your mother. That would explain it.

After all, that’s what you told us happened when you accidentally sunk your teeth into the back of an Italian defender.

Brazil Soccer WCup Italy Uruguay

Luis. As Abraham Lincoln once said: Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt. All your statement did was add insult to injury.

Now your team is out of the World Cup. Like so many others at the tournament, when push came to shove, they were a one man team. Your herculean efforts against England are to be applauded. How you rose from that wheelchair, like a phoenix from the ashes, and scored twice, I do not know. You are a very good footballer.

Your problem is that you are also a liar, a cheat and the worst kind of sneak. If you are going to assault an opponent at least have the bottle to stand up and be counted. Don’t bite others while falling to the ground, clutching your prominent teeth, pretending you are the victim. That really is pathetic, Luis.

You play for a club that used to employ hard men. Real hard men. I wish we could turn back time so that you could try your luck biting Graeme Souness or Tommy Smith. Men who wore the Liverpool shirt with pride. Men who knew how to dish it out like a man. Not in the manner of a weasel.

You have apologists. Supporters like Maradona and Stan Collymore. One thought it was OK to cheat by punching the ball into the net at a previous World Cup. The other used to spend hours having sex with total strangers in public places (aka ‘dogging’) and admitted having struck a woman with his hand.


Clearly Luis, with friends like that, you have no requirement for enemies.

And while I am on that issue, let’s be honest for once. The fact that you bite others is not the fault of the English footballing press. True, some of them are less than honourable. But they admire you as a footballer and, like me, just want to watch your silky skills. Not your child like petulance.

The psycho babble merchants have come out to support you. With their degrees in some ‘ology’ or other (acquired via the internet) they say you need help. Do you? Please, if you need medical assistance, do not claim it off the NHS. You earn more in a week than the hard working individuals in that organisation take home in many a year of attending to the genuinely afflicted.

Go to Spain, Luis. You’re cheating will be tolerated there. After all, the King’s brother cheats. Each Mayor of every village, town and city cheats. And don’t get me started on the bank managers! On the football pitch, Spain is awash with footballers from all countries throwing themselves on the floor as though on the receiving end of a bullet from Lee Harvey Oswald.

They will tut tut at your diving and biting. But they will also laugh at it. They love a clown in Spain. That’s why Mr.Bean is still so popular in the country. That’s why they have elected several clowns to positions of power. The Spanish press will not give you the hard time you believe you have suffered in England. You poor lamb.

But when you next pray, remember it’s him that awarded you with such ability. Footballing skills us mere mortals can only dream of possessing.

And, finally, stop taking the piss out of the Liverpool supporters who defend you with their last breath. Your actions and now your words make them look silly when they so resolutely stand by you, no matter what.

And they’re not silly. Liverpool supporters know a good player when they see one. But they also know a liar. They were lied to for years about the death of their loved ones and fellow supporters. Stop biting the very hands that put food on your table.

APTOPIX Brazil Soccer WCup Uruguay Suarez Banned Your statement explaining your actions against Italy was one big lie. A simple mea culpa would have been a better course of action.

And if you cannot cure your addiction to acting like a vampire, visit a dentist. Have your teeth removed. Go for falsies and take them out before you leave the dressing room.


Dear Luis. You have become a laughing stock in world football. And you have only yourself to blame for that. Take your punishment. And the next time you think about opening your mouth… shut it!


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